words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we were just married,
my
wife said, Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive
to
girls.
Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed
my
wife. But I couldn’t help doing so.
I moved Dew’s hands aside and said you go to select some furniture,
O.K.? I’ve got something to do in the company. Obviously she was
unhappy, because I had promised to do it together with her. At the
moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it
used
to be something impossible to me.
However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No
matter
how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt.
Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing
dinner. I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready
soon.
Then we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the
computer,
visualizing Dew’s body. This was the means of my entertainment.
One day I said to her in a slightly joking way, suppose we divorce,
what
will you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word.
Apparently she believed that divorce was something too far away
from
her. I couldn’t imagine how she would react once she got to know I
was
serious.
When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost
all the
staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide
something while talking to her. She seemed to have got some hint.
She
gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.
Once again, Dew said to me, He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we
live
together.. I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.
When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. I’ve got
something
to tell you, I said. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed
the
hurt in her eyes.. Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But
I had
to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the
serious topic calmly.
She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me
softly,
why? I’m serious. I avoided her question. This so-called answer
made her
angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not
a
man!
That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew
she
wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could
hardly
give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which
stated
that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She
glanced at it and then tore it into pieces.. I felt a pain in my
heart.
The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a
stranger
one day. But I could not take back what I had said.
Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had
expected
to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of
divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer
and
clearer.
Late that night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I
saw
her writing something at the table. I fall asleep fast. When I woke
up,
I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.
She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything
from me,
but I was supposed to give her one month s time before divorce, and
in
the month’s time we must live as normal a life as possible. Her
reason
was simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later
and
she didn’t want him to see our marriage was broken.
She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, He
Ning, do
you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding
day?
This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to
me.
I nodded and said, I remember. You carried me in your arms, she
continued, so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in
your
arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month,
you
must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning.
I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and
wished
to end her marriage romantically.
I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly
and
thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has to
face
the result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less
made
me feel uncomfortable.
My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce
intention was
explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So
when
I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our
son
clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words
brought
me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to
the
door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her
eyes
and said softly, Let us start from today, don’t tell our son. I
nodded,
feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went
to
wait for a bus, I drove to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on
my
chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her
blouse.
I realized that I hadn’t looked at this intimate woman carefully
for a
long time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine
wrinkles on her face.
On the third day, she whispered to me, the outside garden is being
demolished. Be careful when you pass there.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we
were
still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my
arms. The
visualization of Dew became vague.
On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such
as,
where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking,
etc.
I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger. I didn’t tell
Dew
about this.
I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout
made me
stronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now.
She
was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried
quite
a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my
dresses
have grown bigger. I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was
because
she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I
was
stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart.
Again,
I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to
touch her
head.
Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it’s time to carry mum out. He
said.
To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an
essential
part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged
him
tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my
mind at
the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom,
through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my
neck
softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back
to our
wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.
On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a
step.
Our son had gone to school. She said, actually I hope you will hold
me
in your arms until we are old.
I held her tightly and said, both you and I didn’t notice that our
life
lacked intimacy.
I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was
afraid
any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew
opened the door.. I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won’t divorce. I’m
serious.
She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. You got
no
fever. She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said,
I can
only say sorry to you, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring
probably because she and I didn’t value the details of life, not
because
we didn’t love each other any more.. Now I understand that since I
carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am
supposed to
hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry to you.
Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then
slammed
the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove to the
office.
When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for
my
wife which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me what to write
on the
card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until we
are
old.
